Cranky Weekly Review Presented by OAK Airport: Delta Gets Pedantic, United Gets Fancy

Delta Moves the Deck Chairs Around

Everything you knew about flying on Delta is changing — except really nothing is changing at all– yet. If you read Delta’s release, you’d see lots of words about a journey to “Discover Delta’s new Travel Experiences,” but if the airline were being really honest, it might read: “Discover Delta’s new Travel Experiences which are Delta’s old Travel Experiences with new names created by consultants.”

So what’s changing? The names of everything. What’s not? Mostly everything else. Beginning October 1, Main Cabin becomes Delta Main. Comfort+? That’s now Delta Comfort. (You were warned…these are sweeping changes). First Class? Nope, now that’s “Delta First.” Luckily Delta Premium Select and Delta One aren’t changing, because how much can we take at one time?

Basic Economy? It’s gone. Well, no, of course it’s not. It’s just gone in name only — it’s now a part of the Delta Main experience, with the clever name of Delta Main Basic. Then there’s Delta Main Classic which was Main Cabin when you woke up this morning but it — just like Basic — is now part of the Delta Main Experience. And there’s even Delta Main Extra — remember, it’s a part of the Delta Main Experience — which is basically just recategorizing refundable fares into a new brand while throwing in a couple of minor benefits like Zone 5 boarding, 2x additional SkyPesos per dollar spent, same day confirmed changes instead of standby, and the ability to choose one Delta Main Basic passenger and deny him or her a seat belt.

What’s the real meaning of this? It’s likely a precursor to Delta unbundling everything, including Delta One and other premium offerings. Get ready for Delta One Basic and everything else, likely coming to a Delta ticket counter near you.

United Elevates Premium Offering

United Airlines unveiled a systemwide upgrade coming to its Polaris offerings to include incremental improvements to most seats in its Polaris cabin, while also introducing a new product in the first row, the minty-fresh Polaris Studio. The new cabins will debut on its B787-9s in an über-premium configuration featuring 64 premium seats — eight Polaris Studio seats and 56 peasant Polaris seats.

Unlike what we thought yesterday, the window seats in the business cabins will all be reverse herringbone facing the window while the center seats will face inward in one cabin and outward in the other. All seats will feature sliding doors (yours will never close properly and will be sure to rattle) while regular seats will have 19″ 4K monitors to watch that one episode of The Office for a three zillionth time, and four ways to charge your devices, but rarely will more than one work at a time.

The front-row Studios will have 25% more space than the standard seats, a 27″ TV to make Jim and Pam’s love pop even more than usual, and a buddy seat. The studios will also come with a soft product upgrade including new noise-canceling headphones, exclusive pajamas, skincare products, and playing cards — all of which you’ll be able to purchase on eBay days after the product launches. Polaris studio customers will also have access to upgraded champagne (3, 2, 1 for the first blogger headline “I’m a United 8K lifetime triple platinum member on a paid Polaris fare and I didn’t get the fancy champagne the nonrev in the studio got” and caviar. Oh boy.

If you think this sounds great, you are not alone. The United FAs loved the press conference and rollout of the new product.

Qatar Places Order for All the Airplanes

Qatar Airways announced the details of a huge order from Boeing. Some are calling it a beautiful order of planes. The biggest and brightest order of airplanes anyone has ever seen. An order of airplanes so big you have to step back to appreciate it.

It’s the largest order in Qatar Airways’s history and it consists of 160 firm orders plus options for another 50. The carrier is purchasing 130 Dreamliners (including both the -9 and -10 variant) and 30 777-9s. The additional option of 50 more are for either aircraft type. QR currently has a fleet of about 220 airplanes with another 163 (not including this order) on the way.

As far as a delivery timeline, there isn’t one yet. But there will be one. And it will be tremendous.

Spirit Moves Some Deck Chairs Around Also

It’s not just Delta that’s refreshing its customer experience, as Spirit announced its plan for extra legroom seating and a revamped upgrade program for loyalty members.

Beginning May 15, Guests will be able to pre-select the carrier’s extra legroom seats for travel beginning July 9. The approximately 40 seats in the first several rows come with two more inches of pitch and are expected to be available on Spirit’s full fleet by next year. These ‘Go Comfy’ seats also come with a carry-on bag, no change fees, priority boarding, a snack, and a non-alcoholic drink. The downside? The blocked middle seat offering is going away.

Spirit is also enhancing its Free Spirit loyalty scheme program, offering those with status or the Spirit MasterCard complimentary upgrades to both the Big Front and the Go Comfy extra legroom seats. In addition to elite members of the loyalty program, Spirit shared plans to hold a Buzzball chugging contest in the gatehouse prior to all flights. The passenger who chugs the most buzzballs in three minutes — without throwing up — will also be eligible for an upgrade so they can be closer to the lav. The second through fourth place finishers will be given a consolation prize of exit row seating.

February Lufthansa Flight Had No Pilot for 10 Minutes

Lufthansa Flight 1140 from Frankfurt to Seville had 199 passengers and was flying about 35,000 feet above Spain when the captain stepped out of the flight deck to use the restroom. In the few minutes he was away, it is being reported that the first officer suffered a seizure, leaving him incapacitated. That means if Otto deflated, there would be nobody to fly the plane.

The captain was eventually able to successfully return to the flight deck, divert to Madrid, and land safely without incident. The black box from the flight says the first office made several inputs into the controls, causing a caution alarm to go off and leading the captain to attempt to return immediately. The captain was unable to reenter the cockpit initially as he punched in the code to open the door, but the code simply signals to the person(s) in the flight deck that someone is trying to enter.

The first officer eventually came to and was able to open the door, and let the captain in so he could safely divert and land the plane. The FO was taken to a local hospital and eventually discharged. EASA recommends that its carriers always have two people in the flight deck at all times — in contrast with the U.S. FAA which requires it during flight — for reasons just like this.

• Air Transat is adding flights to both Cancún and Punta Cana.
• Alaska‘s new — and award-nominated — flight to Tokyo began this week.
• Asiana increased its stake in Air Seoul.
• BA claims it is using AI to reduce flight delays and streamline operations. Instead of, you know, just running its planes on-time.
• CityJet filed for examinership which is a fancy Irish way of saying it’s bankrupt.
• Emirates saw United — and Spirit’s — big announcements and felt like it needed to keep up.
• Etihad has a hankering for vinegar in its BBQ.
• EVA has new IFE.
• flynas had a successful IPO.
• GOL saw its costs increase dramatically.
• Icelandair is adding routes.
• ITA is considering new long-haul routes and new ways to get to profitability, which, yeah, that sounds about right.
• Kenya Airways is considering placing a hub in Accra.
• KLM is resuming service to Israel and not everyone at the company is happy.
• Kuwait Airways received its first A321neo.
• LATAM will begin flying between Miami and Buenos Aires on December 1.
• PIA is adding a weekly flight from Lahore to Paris with pilots that are surely highly-qualified.
• Singapore Airlines is rolling in the dough.
• Star Alliance is turned 28 this week. It invited both SkyTeam and oneworld to its party but both had their connections through Newark canceled and had to back out at the last minute.
• Thai resumed service to Pakistan.
• Västflyg, the official Swedish carrier of the Cranky Weekly Review, is looking to expand its väst flying empire.
• Vietnam Airlines is going back to Moscow.
• Wizz Air is growing in Romania. Then again, who isn’t?

I have one nephew who prefers escalators. My niece prefers elevators.

They were raised differently.