United really is a sad, confused airline, isn’t it? For an airline that just two days ago stated that it had put together several “initiatives . . . to improve the guest experience,” yesterday’s announcement seems completely out of place. But knowing United’s history of schizophrenia, I suppose this shouldn’t surprise us at all. This airline is a mess, and this latest move is certainly worthy of a Cranky Jackass award.

So what did they do? Well remember that post I wrote about United surveying people about their willingness to pay for meals internationally? It’s coming to fruition. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Instead of explaining it all here, I’ll just quote an internal memo with the cringe-worthy title of “Catering Changes Provide Value and Options.” Ugh.

Effective Sept. 2

North America United Economy® (UE) -All Markets

• Expanding a la carte snacks for purchase to flights between 760 -1149 miles (approximately 2-3 hours in duration) as a result of successful testing in select markets. Along with the expansion, we’re removing complimentary biscoff and pretzels as data from those tests confirmed that the a
  la carte offering appeals to our customers and they are willing to pay for snacks of higher value.
• Continuing test of a fresh Buy on Board offering along with the current snack box on flights between 1440 – 2099 miles (approximately 3.5 – 5 hours in duration). Testing limited to ORD-LAX-ORD and DEN-IAD-DEN.

That’s right. No more snacks onboard medium-range flights. But believe me, this is nothing compared the rest of the things here. In fact, this one didn’t even make me blink.

Effective Oct. 1

Increasing Buy on Board Prices

• Shelf-stable items increase from $5 to $6.
• Fresh items increase from $7 to $9.

That’s one way to raise cash. Just raise your prices. These aren’t exactly competitive (Delta will still give you a turkey sandwich for $7), but nobody is going to compare meal prices when they choose their airline. They really are trying to ease us into the worst stuff, aren’t they? Let’s move on.

Offering Two-Class Service on North America Three-Class Airplanes

• United First® service remains the same.
• A combined BOB service will be offered in United Business® (UB) and United Economy® (UE).
• Customers in UB will receive complimentary beverages and BOB offering.
• Staffing will be adjusted to FAA minimums.

Ok, this is insane. On some flights between hubs, United offers service on its internationally-configured aircraft. That means that instead of the usual mediocre domestic first class seat, you get a nice international product in first and business. Now, they’re giving up on business class on those aircraft by making the seat the only differentiator between coach and business. Oh and you’ll get the food and drink for free in business, but it’s the same stuff you can buy in the back of the bus. Staffing will be reduced to FAA minimums meaning that you’ll have about the same level of service as you get in coach (down 1 or 2 flight attendants on each flight).

I understand that this will save the airline a minuscule $2 million a year. That is a drop in the bucket in terms of the bottom line, but it’ll certainly anger people who end up in that “premium” cabin on domestic flights. If they really wanted to simplify things, they should sell the business seats as coach and upgrade their best fliers. It could be sort of an Economy Plus Plus. At least then they’d be underpromising and overdelivering, but no. They’re being greedy here and it’s going to backfire.

Buy on Board Offered Out of IAD to Europe (except KWI)

• Replacing complimentary meals in UE with BOB fresh and snack box offerings.

Had I seen this one from US Airways, I wouldn’t have even blinked. It’s consistent with what they’re trying to be. I know that United sent out surveys asking about people’s thoughts on this, but I guarantee you that they’ve tossed out the undoubtedly negative results of that survey and decided to go with this anyway. It’s just incredible to me. And yes, I’ve confirmed with United spokesperson Robin Urbanski that elites are not exempt. They will have to buy meals just like everyone else if they’re in coach.

Eliminate Second Service in p.s. Market

• Removing the pre-arrival snack service and replacing with a beverage service in response to flight attendant and customer feedback.

Now when you fly p.s. between LA or San Francisco and New York/JFK in business and first, you’ll get your first meal but you won’t get a second service. (Meals in the small Economy Plus section were eliminated awhile ago.) I’d like to see the customer feedback that says that people don’t want a snack; they’d rather just have a beverage. Please. Don’t try and hide behind that one as your rationale.

So there you have it. The death by a thousand cuts strategy continues. Like I said, if I saw this from US Airways, I wouldn’t blink. (They’ll probably match.) But this is United. This is the airline that just released those ridiculous animated commercials that tried to set the mood for a premium, luxurious experience when you fly. That is NOT the airline that is actually being presented to the flying public. This is an airline that appears to have early stage dementia and can’t quite remember what it’s supposed to be doing half the time. Somewhere an Indian is crying. (He’ll probably tell you through his thick Indian accent that his name is Bob Smith and he works in a United reservations center, but that’s not important right now.)

If you want to make it clear to United that you want a better, more consistent experience that actually lives up to (or, *gasp* exceeds) your expectations, you need to switch your spending and actually fly on an airline (like the soon-to-be Star Alliance member Continental) that can deliver. So far, United has proven that it can’t do it, over and over again. Just remember, words won’t change a thing here. Shifting your business elsewhere will.

Oh me, oh my. Looks like United has been investigating following US Airways into the abyss of ancillary revenue and actually trying to surpass them. They’re floating a survey asking how people feel about paying for drinks in coach as well as food in coach on international flights. This may surprise you, but I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing in theory.

Here’s a nice summary picture of what they’re proposing for food sales. I should note that according to this FlyerTalk thread, they’re throwing up different prices for each product on different surveys to test price sensitivity.

So, $24 for a freakin’ salad? No way. But that could just be one of their higher test price points. How about $39 for a “restaurant-style” meal? Ok, this is potentially interesting. I’m used to getting a crappy dish of mystery meat for free when flying internationally (they’re now proposing you could pay for that as well), but what if I could get a decent meal as long as I’m willing to pay for it? I like the idea, but there’s one problem.

If I were in a decent restaurant, $39 for a complete meal wouldn’t be outrageous at all, but I guarantee you it won’t taste that good onboard an airplane. Even more importantly, how are they going to prepare all this? You think that with all those flight attendant staffing cutbacks, United is going to be able to serve a restaurant-style meal? No way. You may order a restaurant-style meal, but you’ll end up with a reheated piece of meat that probably doesn’t end up as it should because the flight attendants don’t have the time and it’s not easy to make food taste good up there.

The biggest problem here is that if people are going to pay that much money for food, it creates an expectation, one that’s going to be hard for United to meet. Currently it doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad because it’s included for free. I tend to think United will have a very tough time keeping people happy with these unless they can consistently deliver quality. I just don’t have faith that they can execute this well, and that’s going to sink this plan.

Oh, and by the way, while they are looking to charge for sodas, etc, they did make sure to carve out that filtered water would still be free. I wonder if by “filtered” they mean it’s had a chance to make its way through Emirates’ onboard showers?

Remember, this is just a survey right now, but it’s safe to assume that this is being seriously considered right now.

I’m going to be nowhere near the internet today, and actually I’m probably sleeping right now. Why, you ask? Well this weekend is my bachelor party, and things kicked off last night. Of course, I didn’t want to leave you without anything today, so I’ve got a great guest post for you from Tony France, The Traveling Optimist.

I hope you enjoy the read, and I’ll approve any comments that need to be approved when I get back on Sunday.

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In the earliest days of air travel the skies were the purview of the rich and the foolhardy. The train was the chic, convenient and classy way to travel, all in one. It stayed on the ground, traveled at speeds the human mind could understand and the Pullman services, since they had all week to reach New York, Chicago or Boston, were second to none. Crisp linens, sumptuous meals, porter service for every whim.

C. R. Smith in 1934 wanted some of that Pullman business for his fledgling American Airlines and called up Donald Douglas about an airplane that could convert to the first sleeper seats for overnight service. Thus with a phone call arose the DC-3. Needing an edge of its own, TWA made a phone call to Boeing about something larger and faster with the first pressurized cabin, the Stratoliner. After the Second World War the even larger Stratocruiser gave us private lounges reached by the first circular staircase to an alternate level on a double-deck airliner. These three silver birds would be combined in to one almighty aircraft, again, seemingly out of little more than a phone call between Juan Trippe at Pan Am and Bill Allen at Boeing:

“If I buy it will you build it?”

“If I build it will you buy it??”

All hail the 747, the first wide-body and featuring a First Class cabin (nose configuration) that arguably remains unsurpassed to this day.

Right up to the mid- and late-eighties the seat in First Class was never more than a large Barcalounger, wide enough for fat-cat hips with a deep enough recline to attempt some sleep on a flight rarely more than 10 hours in length. It was the food as well as the human touch that made First Class what it was.

I joined American in 1986 as a “B-Scale” baggage handler for American Airlines in 1987, thankful to have a job. My first vacation as a nonrev traveler was to Paris the following April to visit a friend from college. I was lucky enough to get a seat in First Class on the redoubtable “AA-#48” and what happened over the next eight hours lingers blissfully on my mind to this very day.

Leather and lambs’ wool covered the seat, American’s signature upholstery at the time. After take-off, the 767-200 we flew was transformed in to a Michelin rated restaurant. Linen carts to set the table, each set piece hand presented as if setting the stage for a magnificent culinary performance. Drink orders were taken and returned with the ubiquitous warm mixed nut offering. An appetizer followed – salmon in dill with capers and hard breads. A crust scraper was deftly deployed after every course.

The full caviar service was a first for me and it came with gracious assistance and a knowing smile from the flight attendant on how to prepare the treat to my liking since I’d never done it before! She enjoyed sharing in my first experience as much as I was enjoying sampling a world far beyond my means and imagination at the time. The salad cart followed, generously tossed with flourish and cracked pepper while we were somewhere over Tennessee.

“Sorbet?” “Don’t you mean sherbert?” The flight attendant chuckled softly as I contemplated another first, sorbet, of the grapefruit variety. I just stared at this unheard of frozen concoction and tiny little spoon in a fluted glass. “Savor it, let it linger so it will cleanse the palate,” my flight attendant advised. Wow, all this just to prepare for the main course? Was this only because we were flying to Paris, a local market thing, or was this on every long haul international flight American operated? Heck, what were the other airlines doing compared to this?

The main course followed, an exquisite filet in Madeira wine, followed by coffee or tea. Next came a cheeseboard with at least six varieties of English, Dutch and French cheeses along with grapes and accompanying port wines but the meal was hardly finished. The dessert cart appeared, offering something fancy and something simple; I settled for the simple – vanilla and chocolate ice cream with hot fudge and whipped cream. Aperitifs appeared to finish it all off, all traces of an elaborate production removed and I was left in the dark with a single glass of water, fantasy over, back to reality. I looked out the window at Cape Cod drifting into the indigo night behind me, open ocean, about three hours of sleep and Paris ahead of me.

Two hours before landing and the onboard crew is at it again. Hand set trays of linens and silver, hot towels and orange juice, warm croissants to start. A yogurt service was followed by a choice of cold cereals or a “Dutch” breakfast of breads and cold meats with butter and select jams. I’m well tucked in to my Euro-food when my flight attendant stops by and asks how I would like my eggs cooked. A small dribble of milk runs down my bulging cheek as my bewilderment takes in the question put to me.

“Uh, scrambled, please?”

Fresh, scrambled eggs, breakfast meats and potatoes with onions and peppers are placed before me with another flight attendant right behind pouring out yet another cup of tea to wash it all down. Amazing! No sorbet this time, but fresh fruit to take the garlic edge off and then, the telltale droning from outside the window. The engines were idling down, announcing we are beginning our vectors to land. One last glass of ice water, the immigration landing card, all window shades up and my Michelin rated restaurant was for the second time merely a cabin in a plane as if nothing special at all had happened. Rather, something special had indeed just happened and to probably the most impressionable passenger on board that night.

Rumblings were beginning even then, however, that the glamour was going out of air travel as carriers struggled to re-invent themselves. Bitter labor fights over B-scale wages, seriously fuel hungry fleets of 707s, 727s, dying airlines and the rise of fortress hubs dominated the headlines. The bottom line was coming in to ever sharper focus as airline realities changed from high-end travel options to complex economic engines where costs and profits were measured in pennies per mile. The big picture visionaries with outsized personalities who kept one eye on the future and did business with a handshake were slowly, inevitably replaced with Ivy League micro-managers who knew only P&L and ROI. Atmosphere is not quantifiable ergo luxury inevitably loses out to utility and optimization. Glamour, even my first fleeting taste of it, wasn’t to remain on the scene for much longer.

The caviar went first, a victim of conservationist activities as well as the most obvious “waste” on board the plane. One by one, everything almost down to the steak itself was removed and cost cut. Fresh eggs died an omelette with red sauce death long ago. Today’s premium passengers are essentially left to feel lucky they receive a meal at all. The entrees have become “lighter, healthier” and cheaper. The carved roasts and Maine lobsters are all in your dreams if you’re old enough to remember them at all.

Today’s First Class is not about the food at all; Robert Crandall himself once said as much. It’s the seat. As flights have gotten longer and markets more competitive it is the onboard hardware, a combination of a Borg energy pod and a spa cubicle that allegedly drives the customer’s decision. Like both of these entities, however, regardless of all the push-button gadgetry, the seat is neutral, impersonal and designed for isolation (except the double bed on Virgin Atlantic). Comfy but cold.

After the AirMap some airlines boast 600 titles of films, shows, music and games via “on demand” entertainment technology. What a waste. I used to think my own personal library of 1800 CDs and 600 DVDs was impressive until some of my more savvy friends corrected me. The iPod and the laptop each obviate the need for massive onboard libraries. Savvy, techie, family and busy travelers alike will have all they need with them in their own unedited hard drives so long as they can access onboard power.

The cabin real estate and cost to the airlines for these contraptions explains retail fares surpassing $12,000 one way (Qantas.com, LA to Sydney, First Class). Whether or not anyone actually pays that much, I feel the airlines have missed the point of what true First Class was, should and could be – the seat, the atmosphere and the food, in balance, to create the world discerning passengers want and airlines need to truly distinguish themselves. For $800/hour, at least Qantas brought back the caviar!

So keep all the movies and shows, fellas, my laptop screen offers a larger and better picture. Better yet, send that huge library of stuff back to the masses in coach since they don’t have onboard power but for the most part have individual screens. Do something with the walls other than the usual mood-neutral blues and beiges. How about a world mural, like TWA used to have, or commemorative artwork like Pan Am once gave away? Could Botticelli’s “Birth of Venus” as a bulkhead piece help turn Alitalia around? Italian art, Italian food and hospitality, Italian wines and leathers? How could they go wrong? But I digress – at least it would be something, anything, to evoke the old romance and glamour of flying, of discovering new destinations, even if the guy in Seat 1K is a million-miler who has seen it all before.

Bring back the food, plain and simple. It’s been 21 years and numerous premium cabin experiences since that first time on American, but give me the complete experience I had again on that first, First Class flight to Paris. Carpeted walls textured the cabin and each course was a sequence of events in a grand adventure expertly guided by an inflight crew that exuded pride in their role while being willing to initiate the neophyte through the finer points of their rarefied world.

With their reputation for engineering, I can well believe that, back in the day, Lufthansa had better seats but it was a no-brainer that Air France had better food! Thanks to mergers and acquisitions, economics and alliances, the unique touches once offered in the front cabins of the flag carriers of the world seem all to have sadly gone to ground with the great luminaries who created the great planes that introduced them all to begin with. Varig, I barely knew ye.

Shampag-knee, anyone?

Mmm, Biscoff cookies. If you’re flying United these days, these cookies are about the only thing that differentiates the airline from American or Northwest (if you aren’t in Economy Plus). Apparently, they’ve now decided that they’re giving you way too much food on each flight, so they’re cutting back.

On August 7 the airline decided to start handing out 5 oz. packages instead of the previous super-sized 9 oz. ones. I, for one, am glad to see United doing its part to fight the growing obesity problem in the US. Those 9 oz. packages were destroying our children and raising healthcare costs. It’s about time someone stood up and tried to save us.

Oh wait, that’s right. This is just another way to cut costs. *sigh*

UPDATE 8/23 @ 944a: I believe that may actually be .5 oz down from .9 oz. 5 oz would be one big cookie.

Let’s forget about airline meals for a moment (if you haven’t already), and let’s focus on one of the few remaining frills in air travel: the snack.

Back in the blissful days of yore, a plethora of protein-packed peanuts filled hungry stomachs from coast to coast. Many of them were deliciously roasted with honey. Mmmm.

But times have sadly changed. Many airlines have done away with the complimentary snack (as I discovered on American last week). The ones who continue have been crushed under the pressure of the peanut allergy lobby. They have failed to defend the mighty peanut and have instead opted for the carb-filled, completely unsatisfying mini-bag of pretzels.

The lone holdout has always been Southwest, the shining beacon of the pro-peanut movement. They continue to hand out bags of peanuts for all to enjoy. Their peanut leadership took a step back in 2005 when they stopped serving the honey-roasted kind due to higher costs. Fortunately, news is out today that the decision has been reversed. Today in the Sky reports that the honey-roasted peanut will return!

A thank you is in order for Southwest’s nut supplier. They have found a way to bring the cost of the honey-roasted nuts down the to levels of the dry-roasted ones. The airline will go back to its alternating schedule. In even-numbered years, dry-roasted nuts will be served. In odd-numbered years (starting in 2009), the honey roasted nuts will be back.

Let this be heard as a strong message to all other airlines. Honey-roasted peanuts are back. Now I know the arguments from the peanut allergy-sufferers.

“We can’t be around peanuts or we’ll die.”

Let the airline know in advance and they’ll create a peanut-free zone around you.

“But I can’t even be anywhere where peanuts may have been at some point in the past.”

How are you still alive? Peanuts are everywhere. Bring your EpiPen and hope for the best.