I know, you’ve been waiting to hear who won the contest to best celebrate the TSA’s liquid ban 2 years after its creation, right? Well, thanks to an excellent response that saw more than 500 submissions, it took some time to sift through everything. But, we’ve figured it all out. So without further ado . . .

Grand Prize (and winner of the iPod Nano)

• “2 Years, 3 Ounces, Million headaches” – submitted by Ember D. of New York, NY

Runners-Up (in no particular order and winners of a BottleWise Duo™ wine travel bag)

• “Celebrating 100,000,000 bottles abandoned at security” – submitted by Dara M. of New York, NY




• “Ironically, wet blankets enforce liquids ban” – submitted by David A. of Tulsa, OK




• “Lady Liberty weeps 3 ounce tears” – submitted by Jeff C. of Woodbridge, VA

There was one entry that I have to give honorary mention to . . .

• “Security has dry sense of humor”

Since this was submitted by The Global Traveller in New Zealand, he wasn’t eligible for the prizes. Still, we loved this one, so I had to give it a shout out.

Thanks again to everyone who entered. Post some of your favorite entries in the comments section below and let’s see how you think we did.

Southwest Filing Fares in ATPCO Once Again
You may not know ATPCO, but I’m guessing that airlines all over the US are happy to see Southwest back in the system again. Why does it matter?

Jake Brace Leaves United
The oft-vilified United CFO Jake Brace has announced his retirement, but is it too late? Should this have happened sooner?

PETA’s Unique Advertising Proposal for Dallas/Ft Worth
DFW received an interesting request from PETA to put some offensive advertising on bathroom stalls. Are airports so short on money that this might become reality?

AirTran Announces New Routes
AirTran will serve Harrisburg (Pennsylvania) and Columbus (Ohio) this fall. Why am I bothering to write about this? New city announcements are rare these days.

TSA Damages Airplanes, Blames American Eagle?!
A TSA agent stepped on sensors on 9 different planes during safety checks. Instead of owning up to it, they’re turning it around on American Eagle. Yikes.

There’s not much that makes me feel as sick to my stomach as I do when I see an airplane crash. I suppose it’s a good thing that it happens rarely enough that it is a headline-worthy event, but seeing the pain and suffering of all the families, survivors, and the employees just hits me in the gut. Of course, that’s the feeling I had this week when the Spanair MD-80 from Madrid to Las Palmas crashed on takeoff killing north of 150 people.

It’s far too early to know what happened here, and as in most accidents, there will inevitably be several smaller things that led up to the accident, but that hasn’t prevented speculation from all corners of the globe.

Some people are focusing on a faulty valve which was addressed before departure. (I suppose we’re supposed to forget that this was a faulty gauge that isn’t considered necessary and was simply turned off.) Then there’s this irresponsible piece entitled “Engine blamed for Spanish plane crash.” Oh yeah, this one is just priceless:

Kieran Daly, editor of Flight International, said it was premature to speculate on the accident’s cause but in the absence of dangerous weather conditions there had likely been an engine problem and the aircraft did not have enough power to pull away.

Oh yeah, clearly too premature to speculate. Right.

But nobody can top Joe Sharkey for having some of the worst coverage out there on this accident. His most recent blog post states that “Lame coverage of the MD80 crash in Madrid continues in the media.” Oh sweet irony considering he has some of the lamest.

His first post on the subject said “The plane was an MD-80, a model of aging aircraft that has had well-documented safety problems in the last year.” Oh boy, here we go with the “aging aircraft” bull again. And the well-documented safety problems (I assume he’s talking about American’s MD-80 grounding) were not a safety-of-flight issue. In that first post of his I mentioned above, he yells at Spanair authorities for not looking something up. Maybe he should take his own advice.

A quick check found that this aircraft was EC-HFP. And a visit to Airfleets.net shows us that this plane was first delivered to Korean Air in late 1993. So, an airplane that’s not even 15 years old is aging? I think not. That’s a relatively new aircraft.

Joe also goes on to cite all the previous MD-80 crashes and asks us to “note the more recent incidents and similarities to what apparently occurred on an MD80 that went off the runway and broke up today in Madrid.”

Again, we don’t know what happened in Madrid, but I don’t see anything on the five most recent accidents that look similar to me. One had a fire in the cabin that was apparently started by someone on board. One had problems with both engines at cruise, which sounds like fuel contamination. Two skidded off the runway in bad weather. And one disappeared from radar and crashed shortly after.

This is all just scare tactics, and it has no actual value. Is there a reason for someone stepping on an American Airlines MD-80 today to be more concerned than they were last week? No way. Please try to ignore this sort of irresponsible journalism and wait until we know all the details.

Remember back in February when BA announced it would start flights from London/City Airports very short runway to New York? And remember when I suggested that BA might be able to stop in Ireland where they allow US passengers to be pre-cleared through immigration before arriving in the US? And remember when, in my interview, SVP of Commercial in North America Woody Harford said “[I read your earlier post.] You have a very interesting point in terms of Ireland [and the ability to pre-clear immigration there].” Looks like this is actually going to happen.

BA announced this week that while eastbound New York – London/City flights will be nonstop, the westbound flights will stop in Shannon (Ireland). The press release claims:

During the stop at the west Ireland airport, customers will benefit from a special arrangement that will allow them to complete USA arrivals checks, meaning they will by-pass the normal arrivals checks when they land in New York and speed straight through the airport.

I asked BA for clarification, and I was told by a spokesperson that “the ability to complete the US arrivals checks will mean that customers can by-pass the usual process when they land and walk straight through the airport.” I asked whether this meant that arriving passengers would be treated just like a domestic arrival and it was confirmed that “yes. I think they are still working out some details with Shannon, including the customs checks.”

I believe Shannon does not currently do customs pre-clearance, but they are expected to do so by the time this flight starts next year. So, now you have 40 minutes on the ground, and in that time, you can have your passport stamped and your luggage checked. Since there are only a handful of people on these flights, 40 minutes should be enough time to accomplish that task. Then when you arrive in New York (which airport has yet to be determined), you’re on your way as if you’d just flown in from LA.

To me, this negates the inconvenience of having to stop. If you work near London/City, this will save you a great deal of time over driving way out to Heathrow. We’re only talking 64 seats per day over two flights (that’s less than you’ll find in business class on one of BA’s high-business class 747s), so they don’t need that many people to find this service useful for it to work. I think this should be very successful for them.

United really is a sad, confused airline, isn’t it? For an airline that just two days ago stated that it had put together several “initiatives . . . to improve the guest experience,” yesterday’s announcement seems completely out of place. But knowing United’s history of schizophrenia, I suppose this shouldn’t surprise us at all. This airline is a mess, and this latest move is certainly worthy of a Cranky Jackass award.

So what did they do? Well remember that post I wrote about United surveying people about their willingness to pay for meals internationally? It’s coming to fruition. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Instead of explaining it all here, I’ll just quote an internal memo with the cringe-worthy title of “Catering Changes Provide Value and Options.” Ugh.

Effective Sept. 2

North America United Economy® (UE) -All Markets

• Expanding a la carte snacks for purchase to flights between 760 -1149 miles (approximately 2-3 hours in duration) as a result of successful testing in select markets. Along with the expansion, we’re removing complimentary biscoff and pretzels as data from those tests confirmed that the a
  la carte offering appeals to our customers and they are willing to pay for snacks of higher value.
• Continuing test of a fresh Buy on Board offering along with the current snack box on flights between 1440 – 2099 miles (approximately 3.5 – 5 hours in duration). Testing limited to ORD-LAX-ORD and DEN-IAD-DEN.

That’s right. No more snacks onboard medium-range flights. But believe me, this is nothing compared the rest of the things here. In fact, this one didn’t even make me blink.

Effective Oct. 1

Increasing Buy on Board Prices

• Shelf-stable items increase from $5 to $6.
• Fresh items increase from $7 to $9.

That’s one way to raise cash. Just raise your prices. These aren’t exactly competitive (Delta will still give you a turkey sandwich for $7), but nobody is going to compare meal prices when they choose their airline. They really are trying to ease us into the worst stuff, aren’t they? Let’s move on.

Offering Two-Class Service on North America Three-Class Airplanes

• United First® service remains the same.
• A combined BOB service will be offered in United Business® (UB) and United Economy® (UE).
• Customers in UB will receive complimentary beverages and BOB offering.
• Staffing will be adjusted to FAA minimums.

Ok, this is insane. On some flights between hubs, United offers service on its internationally-configured aircraft. That means that instead of the usual mediocre domestic first class seat, you get a nice international product in first and business. Now, they’re giving up on business class on those aircraft by making the seat the only differentiator between coach and business. Oh and you’ll get the food and drink for free in business, but it’s the same stuff you can buy in the back of the bus. Staffing will be reduced to FAA minimums meaning that you’ll have about the same level of service as you get in coach (down 1 or 2 flight attendants on each flight).

I understand that this will save the airline a minuscule $2 million a year. That is a drop in the bucket in terms of the bottom line, but it’ll certainly anger people who end up in that “premium” cabin on domestic flights. If they really wanted to simplify things, they should sell the business seats as coach and upgrade their best fliers. It could be sort of an Economy Plus Plus. At least then they’d be underpromising and overdelivering, but no. They’re being greedy here and it’s going to backfire.

Buy on Board Offered Out of IAD to Europe (except KWI)

• Replacing complimentary meals in UE with BOB fresh and snack box offerings.

Had I seen this one from US Airways, I wouldn’t have even blinked. It’s consistent with what they’re trying to be. I know that United sent out surveys asking about people’s thoughts on this, but I guarantee you that they’ve tossed out the undoubtedly negative results of that survey and decided to go with this anyway. It’s just incredible to me. And yes, I’ve confirmed with United spokesperson Robin Urbanski that elites are not exempt. They will have to buy meals just like everyone else if they’re in coach.

Eliminate Second Service in p.s. Market

• Removing the pre-arrival snack service and replacing with a beverage service in response to flight attendant and customer feedback.

Now when you fly p.s. between LA or San Francisco and New York/JFK in business and first, you’ll get your first meal but you won’t get a second service. (Meals in the small Economy Plus section were eliminated awhile ago.) I’d like to see the customer feedback that says that people don’t want a snack; they’d rather just have a beverage. Please. Don’t try and hide behind that one as your rationale.

So there you have it. The death by a thousand cuts strategy continues. Like I said, if I saw this from US Airways, I wouldn’t blink. (They’ll probably match.) But this is United. This is the airline that just released those ridiculous animated commercials that tried to set the mood for a premium, luxurious experience when you fly. That is NOT the airline that is actually being presented to the flying public. This is an airline that appears to have early stage dementia and can’t quite remember what it’s supposed to be doing half the time. Somewhere an Indian is crying. (He’ll probably tell you through his thick Indian accent that his name is Bob Smith and he works in a United reservations center, but that’s not important right now.)

If you want to make it clear to United that you want a better, more consistent experience that actually lives up to (or, *gasp* exceeds) your expectations, you need to switch your spending and actually fly on an airline (like the soon-to-be Star Alliance member Continental) that can deliver. So far, United has proven that it can’t do it, over and over again. Just remember, words won’t change a thing here. Shifting your business elsewhere will.